


Consulting Kinkspert

by Laurasauras



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, F/F, F/M, M/M, Porn With Plot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-12
Updated: 2018-05-11
Packaged: 2019-05-05 14:17:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14620449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras
Summary: When Roxy appearifies a porno starring Beta Dirk Strider, she's told to get rid of it immediately.Naturally, everyone watches it.Despite knowing it wasn'tactuallytheir Dirk, he still ends up being the go-to for questions about sex. Lots of sexy times ensue.This is treated as though it could happen, but it's crack.





	Consulting Kinkspert

Roxy, sick of people dropping in on her seemingly to hangout and then asking her to appearify items, organised for her voidy powers to be off limits except on the first Sunday of the month. Obviously she still helps in emergencies, but these Sunday sessions have become a bonding opportunity for all the heroes who spread out across the various kingdoms, even if they don't want anything from Roxy. 

A year into the new session, you sit next to Jake and listen to him talk movies with John. You bite your tongue against commentary because you’re trying to be happy for Jake speaking at a normal volume in a room of so many people. But god. Their opinions.

Roxy saunters up to your little threesome (god, Dirk, don’t even  _ think  _ that,  _ never going to happen! _ ) and sits next to John. 

‘Soo! What can I get you handsome gentlemen?’ she says, wiggling her fingers in anticipation.

‘ _ Batman and Robin _ !’ Jake says.

You facepalm. Of all the movies. 

‘Ooh! I have so many movie requests! Do that one first though!’ John says. 

‘Right, well, you’re gonna be here for a while,’ you say. ‘I’m gonna go bitch about your movie tastes to Dave.’

You stand up and stretch, shoulders sore from hunching over your workbench all day.

‘Oh!’ Roxy says. That’s not her usual wizardy noise. 

You look down at her. She’s holding what looks like a DVD boxset in her hands.

‘Isn’t it Batman?’ John asks.

‘Nooo …’ she says. ‘I think I got … distracted?’

‘What by?’

She shows John the front.

He claps his hands to his cheeks in the most ridiculous surprised face you’ve ever seen. 

‘Enough with the mystery, Rox, what is it?’ you say.

‘No, he won’t let you keep it!’ John says, before blushing furiously. 

‘Save me, John!’ she says with a wild giggle. He grabs her hands and dissolves them both into the wind just as you dive onto the grass where they were.

They form on the other side of the park, where Feferi and Sollux are. 

‘Coming?’ you ask Jake.

‘Yes!’ he says, leaping to his feet. Nothing like an adventure to help him out of his shell.

The two of you sprint across the park, dodging all the humans and trolls along the way. Roxy sees you and scrabbles at John so he breezes them away. You skid to a stop.

‘They say what they had?’ you ask.

‘You’ll never make us talk!’ Feferi says. 

‘Fine. See them, Jake?’

‘Over there!’

You start running towards where they are next to Dave and Karkat, when Karkat stands up and shows off his considerable shouting abilities.

‘LISTEN UP GRUBFUCKERS! THE ROGUE OF VOID HAS SOMETHING TO SAY!’

Everyone goes silent and looks towards them. You have a terrible feeling about this. 

‘Dirk’s in a porno!’ Roxy screeches.

What.

No seriously, what?

Jake looks at you with alarm. You hold up your hands in innocence. You have not ever made a porno. Not live action, anyway. You’ve shown him your many, many drawings, they’re not secret. You have ridiculous cartoons and anime style and realism and everywhere in between. But not … anything that would be on a DVD boxset.

Everyone starts to crowd around them. 

‘What’s going on?’ Jake asks in a whisper.

‘I have no fucking idea, I swear, I’d never …’

‘Do you think I can hope for it to not be real?’

‘I don’t see how it  _ can _ be,’ you say. 

You move closer instinctively with the crowd. You see Dave snatch the DVD out of Roxy’s hand.

‘It’s  _ Bro _ , guys, not Dirk. Obviously.’

Right, that makes sense. Except … Dave looks a helluva lot like your Bro did on those magazine covers. Will it even matter if it’s not  _ technically _ you?

Karkat steals the DVD from Dave.

‘How can you tell the difference?’ he demands.

‘He had it on display in his room,’ Dave says with a shrug. ‘Had more than this, too.’

The DVD is now getting passed around willy nilly. You catch a glimpse of the cover and even though you don’t see a lot of detail you see enough to know that is a lot more skin than you traditionally show your friends.

‘That is  _ enough!’ _

Oh, thank god for small miracles and also for Jane.

‘Whether it is Dirk or it is not, it sure as heck looks like him and he, that is to say  _ this _ Dirk,  _ our friend _ , has  _ not _ given his permission for us to see him in this randy film! Roxy, you appearifyied this, you take care of it!’

Tavros meekly hands back the DVD. 

‘Thanks, Jane,’ you say.

You’re not surprised that everyone disappears back to their various kingdoms pretty soon after. The mood kind of … becomes awkward.

Jake comes home with you, which is nice. You weren’t sure if he would. He spooks pretty easy now, you’ve had to build your relationship back up slowly. A year ago, when you had just saved the world, you had one of the first honest conversations of your lives, staking the future of your relationship on your willingness to say what you felt without all of your bullshit. On both sides. 

You haven’t slept together since then, but that’s a completely different thing. You’re taking it slow. It’s good. 

You sit in your lounge room when you get home and hold hands. 

‘I feel hella relieved that Jane shut that down,’ you say, because Arquiusprite tells you that “I feel” statements are good.

‘I feel like Roxy’s going to watch it anyway,’ Jake says. 

‘That’s not a feeling,’ you say gently.

‘I feel … nervous, because I think that Roxy will watch it anyway.’

‘I feel comfortable with very few people seeing my junk, but you and Roxy are on that list. Like, if there was a fire or something and all my clothes burnt off but I magically didn’t die and my rad godtier jammies didn’t regen, I wouldn’t be embarrassed if you and Roxy were there, but like … anybody else … I’d probably be doing the old Marilyn Monroe hands.’

‘John will watch it with her.’

‘Woah, what?’

‘Roxy’s crazy about him,’ Jake says. ‘She’ll think it’s romantic or something! And John has said to me before he thinks you’re a fine specimen of man-hunk!’

‘Well, that doesn’t sound even remotely like John,’ you say.

‘My words, maybe! But he said something! Oh, fiddlesticks, I can’t fucking remember! It was something congratulatory and complimentary!’

‘Tell me why that makes you nervous.’

‘Because you’re  _ mine _ , Strider, and I don’t want to lose you!’

You squeeze Jake’s hands. 

‘I’m not going anywhere, it doesn’t matter who sees my alternate universe version of me’s ding-dong.’

Jake shakes his head.

‘I was so sure I’d blown it,’ he says quietly. ‘I made a damned fool of myself, and you were right to call it quits! But then you came back and we’ve made all this effort and you’re so patient with me figuring out who I am! And I wouldn’t have been able to figure that out if it wasn’t for John, he’s amazing, and he looks like me, and he helps everyone! And he probably wouldn’t make you wait a year for a bit of the old hanky panky, so it’s hard for me to see why you wouldn’t …’

‘Jake. I’ve been in love with you since I was nine years old. And you’ve been my best friend since we were six. I’m not gonna ditch you for the new model, or whatever you think. You know why I broke up with you. You know it wasn’t because I didn’t love you or want you. I’m grateful you didn’t hold that against me, that you were willing to give us another shot even though I made so many mistakes the first time round. You’re Jake English. You’re … you’re just fucking important to me.’

‘I …’

‘And, as for the sex thing, I loved having sex with you, of course I did, but I don’t need that to love you. Jake, I wouldn’t mind if you decided you never wanted to have sex again, I’d fucking cope, you’re worth it.’

Jake frowns and looks at your hands.

‘Dude, we’re not allowed to lie in the feeling zone. I fucking mean it.’

‘Well, maybe it’s time for me to just man up and get down to business.’

‘I’m not having sex with you tonight. Not because you feel like you have something to prove.’

Jake doesn’t reply, just launches himself forward and kisses you. You kiss him back, but then pull away to murmur in his ear.

‘I’m always down for sloppy makeouts, but I’m not fuckin’ changing my mind.’

You bite his earlobe and he flinches back. You grin at him and kiss him again, pressing him back into the couch. 

‘Okay, okay, I get it!’ he says. ‘Jeezy petes you know how to convince a guy!’

‘Come on, do an “I feel”, then we can have dinner and an early night without this hanging over us.’

‘Okay …’ He leans into you and breathes deep. ‘I feel reassured because you said those things. I feel jealous of John but I’m going to deal with it. I feel happy and lucky that I have you and I feel damn hungry, so let’s do dinner!’

You kiss him on his nose and lead the way to your fridge. You have nothing in it. 

‘Fuck,’ you say. 

‘Well, you’re consistent,’ he says. ‘I feel exasperated, for the record.’

‘Hey now, you’re not in the feeling zone, you can lie to spare my feelings.’

‘Come on, let’s go crash Dave and Karkat’s dinner. How you fail so badly at dinners and your ectobro always has food is beyond me.’

 

Dave and Karkat are happy to feed you. It’s a common enough occurrence that they sometimes bring you lunch if you haven’t been over in a couple of days because they’ve cooked too much and you haven’t been there to take the excess off their hands. And, you suspect, they don’t trust you to feed yourself. You know they take Sollux food sometimes, too. 

‘So, your Bro kept pornos that he starred in on display in his room,’ you say casually to Dave after dinner. You’re playing video games so you don’t have to look each other in the eye. Karkat and Jake are in the kitchen comparing movie opinions. You and Dave are not welcome in those discussions. 

‘Yeah, well, I never watched any, obviously.’

‘Cool.’

‘Just, like, he wasn’t ashamed of his past. And he earnt a fuckton of boondollars in the summer he made those movies, enough to set him up so he could do things he was actually interested in.’

‘Still, it’s a bit fucked.’

‘Yeah … I guess so.’

‘My Bro never did porn, but the batterwitch did leak a sextape at one point with a guy that looked almost enough like him to be convincing.’

‘Yeah?’

‘He released an animated version of it in his trademark style and said that human sex was beautiful, he loved to do the human sex with the hopes of reproducing. That was like, the opposite of the message she wanted. She thought sex was disgusting, wanted humans to do it troll style with the buckets and shit.’

Dave grins at you. Safe zone established. He can talk about this shit with you because you’re not gonna judge him, that’s how this works.

‘Okay, so I didn’t watch any, but I looked at the covers, like they were right there, you know? The one Roxy got is actually best case scenario for you, it’s his first volume. After that he went into a dom phase and then the puppets happened and then I guess that translated into his plush rumps shit and he didn’t see the need to distract from the puppets with human dong.’

‘Wow. Okay. Never tell her that.’

‘Cross my heart.’

You play games and talk shit until Karkat and Jake come to watch, and Jake begins to yawn pointedly. He’s so ridiculous, you want to eat him.

You make your goodbyes and go back home to your place. You don’t go to his place, he likes to have a space to retreat to. You’ve  _ seen _ it, he doesn’t hide it from you, but you’re both more comfortable at your house. 

You used to wear nothing in bed, but when you first started dating Jake you took to wearing soft pants. He wears his jocks, which leave exactly nothing to the imagination and drive you crazy, but you’re not pushing him.

‘I’m thinking of getting into painting,’ you tell him as he strips off his shirt and shorts.

‘I’m sure you’d be just as good at that as you are with all your other brilliant art!’

‘I’m gonna do a series just on your butt.’

Jake snorts with laughter and climbs into bed. You like that you’re allowed to compliment him and he trusts you not to take it too far. You like that he cuddles up all close to you and gives you so much even though he’s still working through his shit. You like that he kisses your hair and makes you feel safe just as much as you’re the one doing that for him.

‘I  _ am  _ attracted to you,’ Jake says, stroking your face.

‘Good,’ you say with an awkward laugh.

‘I … I’m so in my head about who I am, but I think I’m better now.’

‘I think you’re doing a lot better than you were, too,’ you say carefully.

‘So …’

‘So …?’ you say.

Jake slips his hand down to cup your ass and pulls you closer. You bite your lip.

‘Jake …’ you say.

‘This isn’t about me proving something,’ he says, grinding against you.

‘Isn’t it?’

‘It might be,’ he sighs. ‘I still want you.’

It is so fucking hard to turn around and move his hands so he’s hugging you innocently. You think you feel his hard on pressing into you. You deserve about a thousand awards for taking a deep breath and closing your eyes.

‘I love you, Jake,’ you say.

‘Love you, too,’ he murmurs. 

You really hope you made the right call there. You manage to resist the urge to ask Arquiusprite instead of sleeping.


End file.
